Where is the silver lining?

Silver Lining: a sign of hope in an unfortunate or gloomy situation; a bright prospect.

Do you ever ask yourself, where is the silver lining in a situation? I find myself doing that more so now than ever. My family is a mess. A complete and total mess. Let's face it, my family has been a mess for sometime but I guess I have decided to block it out and pretend like it wasn't there. I can't pretend anymore and it is taking an emotional toll. I often wonder what it would be like if I was birthed into a different family, one that got along, one with less problems and dysfunctions. But then I realized wondering will do no good because it won't change the cards that I have been dealt.

Today marks one year since my grandpa passed away. (Mom's dad) It was 365 days ago that I woke up to a phone call from my mom that he was gone. I drove to the bay area and sat there with my grandma as she was in pure shock. (I call her my grandma even though she was my grandpa's significant other for over 30 years and never married). One year later my uncle, who I have met a total of a few times in my life, is suing my mom over assets. Is that the beauty of family? My grandpa's boys didn't bother to even call him for years and years and once he's gone they want everything under the sun. Is that how family is meant to be?

My aunt (dad's sister) is sick and the doctors don't know what to do. She's in her early 50's and could by dying. Her brain is swelling and she doesn't even comprehend most of the world around her any more. I can't imagine what this will do to my family is she passes away before her own parents. Is this fair? She has four kids and a husband and parents who love her. Life isn't fair, I am continually reminded.

My dad continues to live his life addicted to pain medications, laid up in bed at home. He hasn't worked in over twenty years and swears to be sick all the time. Most of the time I think the sickness is in his head and he just wants everyone to think he is a physical mess. In all reality its all phycological and a lack of knowing what to do with life. What's even worse is that he has the nerve to try and dictate everyone's lives. Not mine, I don't give him that power. But my sister and my mom, that is a different story. Why did I get the short end of the stick when it comes to families? Why can't my dad be the a leader, a role model, an inspiration? I guess it is just the way the cookie crumbles.

My sister who is 18 years old is having to go through the pain that I experienced some six years ago. She is an adult, getting ready to graduate high school and yet my father wants to still control every aspect of her life. I was lucky enough to move out of his home a week after high school graduation and not turn back. I was stubborn and wasn't not going to back down, I was going to be my own man. I have made some bad choices along the way but I don't regret leaving. It is sad to think of the pain it caused my mom, but I don't blame her. She has tried to be the best mom she could be. Mom, I love you, you did your best. My sister wants to go to FPU for college...in the same city some 10-15 miles from my parents home, but my dad will having nothing of the idea. It's not in a good location, it cost too much money, and heaven forbid my sister want to move out and live on campus. He wants to keep her under his thumb and make decisions for her...a scary thought when we can't even make a decision for himself and needs my mom to do everything for him. Take a stand, be willing to follow your dreams, those are my words to my sister. She is bright, beautiful, amazingly gifted. She can be anything she wants, if she boldly takes a stand. It is my prayer that she will follow her dreams and let nothing stand in her way, including our father.

The future is unknown but is it any mystery why the fact of getting married scares the crap out of me? I refuse to be in a marriage that is filled with pain, abuse and hatred. I refuse to bring up children in a world in which I was brought up in. Is it wrong that I would rather not bring other people into the dysfunction that I have known for 24 years, 3 three months, and 4 days? Change needs to occur. I don't know what that looks like but I refused to continue on in this hell known as family. I deserve more and I will stand for change. No looking back, only looking forward to the future. It may seem like there is no silver lining right now, but I am holding onto hope that it is out there, I just have yet to find it.

Here I Come San Diego!!!

I am ready for an awesome week in San Diego. Heres to a great conference, awesome meetings, amazing connections with people, beautiful weather, and even some relaxation!!!! I am pretty freakin happy to get out of Fresno for a week! I will see ya all when I return! Have a great week!

And so its complete...

Just under three months and I finished all four seasons of One Tree Hill on DVD. I am kind of sad to have finished the final episode of season four this morning. I really enjoyed how relaxing it is to seriously just watch a tv show. I felt like I became friends with the characters. I know call me lame, I know I am! Haha. Now I need to start watching season five online to catch up with where there are on tv. This is my life. LOL

I wanna love you out loud...

So, my blog has pretty much been neglected for a while. Life has been very crazy lately but I am a surviver!!! Here's the readers digest version of my life the past few weeks...

Work...
-Taking on the role of Middle School Ministry Director has been quite exciting. I am looking forward to launching some new clubs in the coming months!
-Its been hard to tell my high schoolers that I am transitioning into middle school. I love my kids so much!
-Jeff's family has finally moved to Fresno! I am so happy to have them here!
-I leave for San Diego in just over a week. Going to the YFC Mid Winter Conference. Should be a great time to get away and connect with friends from across the country!
-Had an awesome meeting with Pastor Brad and a team from The Well.
-Did a presentation at FPU's College Hour in front of hundreds of my peers. That was a little nerve racking.
-Had a good retreat with jr high and high school volunteers at the coast. Good connections were had.

Friends...
-Got to see an awesome FSU BBall game last week with Megan. We kicked butt.
-Had a fun time with Jen last night. How I missed our randomness.
-Going through BK withdrawals...no quality time in ages.
-Also lacking in the BFF time with Brad.
-Went to the "Experiencing Africa" tour tonight with Lisa which was put on by World Vision. My heart goes out to the children who are having to raise themselves due to the number of deaths caused by Aids.
-Tomorrow I get to meet Sarah at Panera in Visalia, I can't wait! We have not gotten to hang in months!
-Josh and Michelle gave birth to their first lil one...Chloe Ann.
-Had a good chat with my hommie g thug unit, Kurt. I have missed that guy!
-I got to see Chris after well over a year!!!

Other Randomness...
-A rock flew up and hit my truck windshield and cracked it all the way across. I need to get a new windshield...but I need to get $200 first.
-My MacBook is pretty amazing and I am loving it, however it was not so easy to transfer everything from my pc. Some of my data ended up corrupting in transfer which caused some problems resulting in a lot of time with the Apple Store.
-I have been lacking a little bit where school is concerned because I have been so busy with so many other things. I need to pull it together this week!
-My taxes are done and its only February!!! How exciting is that, since I usually wait until April. I am even more excited to get a total refund!!!!! Yes!
-Neck-n-Neck race between Obama and Clinton. Lets go Big O!!!

That's life in a nutshell. Unfortunately this week is going to be nuts before I leave for a week at the conference. Lots to get done but God is good and He provides enough time to get everything done thats of importance. Have a GREAT night and an even more GREAT new week!!! Mad love!!! D$ Out!

Crazy two weeks...

These past two weeks have been non-stop crazy as I have tried to discern exactly what the next steps for my life will be. I was faced at an interesting cross roads. I was offered a position with two amazing people who I respect so much back in the business world. At the same time I was also offered a promotion to stay at YFC. I was at an interesting point where I needed to weigh out the pros and cons on both sides. Initially I accepted the position in the business world and gave notice at YFC. But I quickly realized that I didn't prayerfully consider all aspects of this decision.

After seeking counsel from many people I care dearly for as well as taking a weekend away by myself, I realized that staying at YFC was where God wanted me. An awesome opportunity was made available to me at YFC and I needed to at least try it out. I will be transitioning into a role in which I will be directing our jr high ministry. After much thought, jr. high really is when my life began to change for the worse and really led me through some troubling years following jr. high. I always considered myself a high school ministry guy but really I think I will have a unique opportunity to work with middle schoolers. I will also be able to direct and grow an area of YFC that is in need of some restructure to be able to grow forward. I am excited for this upcoming shift in my roles and responsibilities. I know going into this that it won't always be easy, however I know that God has placed me here at the place for a specific reason.

This comes at a time where I have to begin saying good bye's to my high schoolers. It is not as if I am moving away and leaving them but more so just transitioning into a new role. I will still be around and will always be available to them. My high schoolers have taught me so much over the fast five years. They have been a tremendous blessing and have touched my heart more that I can ever express in words. It was difficult to tell one of my group of leadership kids my news yesterday. I know that they were hurt, upset, and angry. They have seen a lot of leaders come and go and feel like I am just another addition to that list. One of my students kept repeating "You're leaving me!". It felt like a knife to my heart. My goal has never been to hurt the kids who I love so much.

The coming weeks and months will be an interesting transition. I have lots to learn, however I am very grateful for all the opportunity. These past two weeks have really required me to look deep inside my soul and really wrestle through some issues and come to important decisions. Ultimately, I know God has plan in each and every one of our lives, including mine, and He will continue to lead through this transition. Thank you to everyone who stuck by my through the waves of life and supported me in this decision. I love you all.