Where is the silver lining?

Silver Lining: a sign of hope in an unfortunate or gloomy situation; a bright prospect.

Do you ever ask yourself, where is the silver lining in a situation? I find myself doing that more so now than ever. My family is a mess. A complete and total mess. Let's face it, my family has been a mess for sometime but I guess I have decided to block it out and pretend like it wasn't there. I can't pretend anymore and it is taking an emotional toll. I often wonder what it would be like if I was birthed into a different family, one that got along, one with less problems and dysfunctions. But then I realized wondering will do no good because it won't change the cards that I have been dealt.

Today marks one year since my grandpa passed away. (Mom's dad) It was 365 days ago that I woke up to a phone call from my mom that he was gone. I drove to the bay area and sat there with my grandma as she was in pure shock. (I call her my grandma even though she was my grandpa's significant other for over 30 years and never married). One year later my uncle, who I have met a total of a few times in my life, is suing my mom over assets. Is that the beauty of family? My grandpa's boys didn't bother to even call him for years and years and once he's gone they want everything under the sun. Is that how family is meant to be?

My aunt (dad's sister) is sick and the doctors don't know what to do. She's in her early 50's and could by dying. Her brain is swelling and she doesn't even comprehend most of the world around her any more. I can't imagine what this will do to my family is she passes away before her own parents. Is this fair? She has four kids and a husband and parents who love her. Life isn't fair, I am continually reminded.

My dad continues to live his life addicted to pain medications, laid up in bed at home. He hasn't worked in over twenty years and swears to be sick all the time. Most of the time I think the sickness is in his head and he just wants everyone to think he is a physical mess. In all reality its all phycological and a lack of knowing what to do with life. What's even worse is that he has the nerve to try and dictate everyone's lives. Not mine, I don't give him that power. But my sister and my mom, that is a different story. Why did I get the short end of the stick when it comes to families? Why can't my dad be the a leader, a role model, an inspiration? I guess it is just the way the cookie crumbles.

My sister who is 18 years old is having to go through the pain that I experienced some six years ago. She is an adult, getting ready to graduate high school and yet my father wants to still control every aspect of her life. I was lucky enough to move out of his home a week after high school graduation and not turn back. I was stubborn and wasn't not going to back down, I was going to be my own man. I have made some bad choices along the way but I don't regret leaving. It is sad to think of the pain it caused my mom, but I don't blame her. She has tried to be the best mom she could be. Mom, I love you, you did your best. My sister wants to go to FPU for college...in the same city some 10-15 miles from my parents home, but my dad will having nothing of the idea. It's not in a good location, it cost too much money, and heaven forbid my sister want to move out and live on campus. He wants to keep her under his thumb and make decisions for her...a scary thought when we can't even make a decision for himself and needs my mom to do everything for him. Take a stand, be willing to follow your dreams, those are my words to my sister. She is bright, beautiful, amazingly gifted. She can be anything she wants, if she boldly takes a stand. It is my prayer that she will follow her dreams and let nothing stand in her way, including our father.

The future is unknown but is it any mystery why the fact of getting married scares the crap out of me? I refuse to be in a marriage that is filled with pain, abuse and hatred. I refuse to bring up children in a world in which I was brought up in. Is it wrong that I would rather not bring other people into the dysfunction that I have known for 24 years, 3 three months, and 4 days? Change needs to occur. I don't know what that looks like but I refused to continue on in this hell known as family. I deserve more and I will stand for change. No looking back, only looking forward to the future. It may seem like there is no silver lining right now, but I am holding onto hope that it is out there, I just have yet to find it.